Three things you can do to reclaim Mother’s Day if you have a narcissistic mother
Self-care and free workbook for daughters of toxic mothers
Mother’s Day is a world-wide observed holiday, a day where it is expexted to honor mother and celebrate her selflessness. If you have a narcissisitic mother, this day might be incredibly triggering for you. The truth is, not every mother can show love or even feel love. We need to get away from that picture of the self-sacrificing martyr. However, society’s picture of motherhood is idolized, it sells. It is also very toxic for loving mothers and puts them under pressure to be perfect. We women are the perfect target for toxic messages, sadly. The commercialization of this day makes it even harder to escape.
In this article I will share my experience of working with daughters of narcissistic mothers, what I have learned, my own journey and provide you with beautiful tools you can use to stop this day from triggering you.
“What gets me is people asking me what I got for my mother, assuming that I had a loving relationship and honoring her is my duty. What do you reply to this?”
When one of the women during my Mother’s Day event said this, I could see everyone nodding in agreement. What do you reply to such a questions? Of course you could lie and make something up or you could be open about the truth. Or, you don’t have to answer at all because: You do not have to accommodate anyone. Make this your mantra! Take a post-it note and write down: I DO NOT have to accomodate this person.
Being honest often invites judgement or more probing by those fortunate enough to have grown up with a loving mother. When I once stated to a friend that I am estranged from my mother her reaction was: “Don’t say that, you have to honor her, you only have one mother.” Then there is the flood of Mother’s Day quotes. One is by author Hope Edelman and says: “No one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love as pure, unconditional and strong as a mother’s love. And I will never be loved that way again.” This generalization is not only sanctimonious but can be incredibly hurtful and if you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you might even feel angry. Not all mothers can love. Let me tell you: You CAN be loved by someone like a loving mother should have loved you.
The first and most important relationship we have in our life is the one with our mother. She teaches us about our worth, about being lovable and important.
A child that does not receive the love every child deserves, quickly learns that they are not lovable, not important, that something is wrong with them, that they should not exist, that they are shameful.
Of course these messages are not true, but children don’t have a grown-up’s understanding of the intricacies of life. Even some adults don’t understand these complexities, whether because of a lack of self-awareness, lack of emotional vocabulary or maybe because as a child they had to shut everything away that relates to their trauma. What happens in the mind of a child that did not receive the love a child deserves is the decision that “if my mother who is meant to love me can’t love me, then no one else can”. And then on Mother’s Day comes and in social media pops up a quote like the one above and confirms this false belief. Religion also adds to the myth: “Honor your mother and your father, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. — Exodus 20:12” You can find this stuff in any religion. How about that for a fear tactic. Don’t even get me started on children being encouraged to do nice things for their mother on Mother’s Day? What if they don’t want to? What if they are suffering abuse and are now being institutionalized into cherishing the abuser? I promise, no more bad quotes in this article. Here is a good one:
Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation. — Robert A. Henlein
Here are three things you can do this Mother’s Day.
Acknowledge your feelings. Practice self-care. What you are feeling is normal under these circumstances. Do not let anyone blame, guilt or shame you. Know, that your feelings are valid. Nobody has a right to discount or minimize how you feel about this day and how you have been brought up. It might also be the right time to find a therapist if this is something you have been considering. Be mindful to find the right one and shop around first before deciding on one. Whatever you decide, your feelings are valid and your feelings and thoughts are a reaction to trauma.
Find your Little Wild Mothers.
There will have been women in your life that are natural mothers. You might have encountered them only briefly, but they have given you gifts you might not be aware of, yet. Every interaction with someone loving and caring has made you more resilient and has countered your mother’s toxic messages. If you would like to learn how to find your little wild mothers you can download my workbook for free here: https://www.marthacurtiscoaching.com/mothers-day-offer.html How you celebrate the little wild mothers in your life is up to you. You can let them know or celebrate in silence.
One way of celebrating my paternal grandmother who has always shown me unconditional love, is to make what she used to cook for me, my favorite dish, pieroggi. I now share them just like my grandmother did with the people I love. I can still hear her voice and what she used to say to me whenever I did something silly or when I was sad.
Don’t worry if your little wild mothers are not relatives, they don’t have to be. Many of mine are not relatives. They are women I crossed paths with briefly, some of my friends, women in my partner’s family. A little wild mother can be any woman who has been loving to you and who -just like Clarissa Pinkola Estes writes- makes something in you leap and think “mama”. It can even be a fictional character or a pet. You might have had a very brief encounter with her, it could have been as little as a smile, but it could have meant the world for you in that moment.
Reconnect with your Inner Child and be the best mother to yourself that you can be. This is where the healing truly comes into action. Find pictures of yourself and reconnect with the little girl. Ask her what she needs. You can also use this guided meditation to help you reconnect.
Mother’s Day does not have to be triggering and a source for sadness and anger. You can turn this day around into a celebration of wonderful women who deserve to be called mothers, whether they have biological children or not. You can even go as far as sending compassion to the child your mother was once. I know that for some this might be a difficult task and you don’t have to do this. For me, this has been a great way of making peace. It does not mean that you have to condone what she did to you, it means that you have compassion for the girl she was. She was born after all with all the potential a child has at the start of their life, but sadly some of that potential, such as being a loving mother has been lost and instead bitterness and rage have taken its place.
What you are doing here by reclaiming Mother’s Day and making it your day is breaking the chain. You are freeing yourself from the guilt, the pressure, the grief of not having the mother every child deserves and instead acknowledge the real mothers in your life. If you do this every year you will see how much your list grows and how much of a loving mother you are to yourself.
I wish you a wonderful Real Mother’s Day.
